I was afraid to see it
When I was grown up, it was usually a man who told us everything when we were around – my mother. And over time, it involves my sister, which meant that my dad and I did not get a chance to say a lot.
It was nothing when we were at home, as my mother typically speaks, and my father is listening to the most. Also, if my mother wants to talk at home at home, she rarely goes and finds them – it was not uncommon to cry out for them. On one side I did not see the need to speak because there were two people who would do it, and on the other hand I did not feel safe enough to express myself. Well, that does not mean I knew at that time; This was the time when I only reacted to the experiences so far so far.
Deep down, I wanted to see and express myself, but it was very painful to handle it. If attention came to me, I often felt very hot on my face and felt a lot of fear.
It was like someone had just warmed up the heat and that wanted me to run away. Now I figure out why my face was so hot because I needed a lot of shame.
This shame, and the fear that I felt that I would feel before my mother or father had a child. If I have felt the child as a child, it can often be a sign that I am injured.
As a result, I came to associate it to show that I was injured and this was the last thing I wanted to experience. I faded into the background and made sure I always walked around people who were comfortable watching.
This would mean that I do not expect much to say, and this would prevent me from feeling as if my life was over. The years passed and I felt like I was invisible. Yet, since I did not know what was happening to me, I thought something was paying attention to not getting attention. I felt strong and seemed to be in control of my life.
This was similar to my childhood when I was neglected; since, however, I felt safe when I did not see it meant that this need should be ignored. But even if I talked, it would often be difficult to speak clearly – the main reason was that I often experienced a lot of tension in my throat.
Interestingly, something is missing from every member of my family's throat. My grandmother, my mother's mother, had a dry throat and had to use this spray; my grandfather, my mother was farther, had problems, and was often clean on his throat; and my mother would have often had to clear her throat and my dad was the same.
I would say that my mother was so talked about and so exclaimed, because she grew up in an environment where she was not sure how to express herself. I'm not sure about my dad because he did not really talk about his education and I did not get the opportunity to spend time with his parents.
This was the case when someone was abusing at one time and abusing another. By the level of consciousness, it would be a case when he identified himself as a child and unable to feel or identify the person who was abused and strong.
However, I did not want to talk to others or shade them; I simply felt that I was feeling enough to express myself and to see it. To do that, I had to work many layers of trauma and spend time with the people I felt safe.